Tomorrow is truly a bittersweet day for me. Two years tomorrow, I married my husband. You can read that post here. One year tomorrow, I lost the person that meant the absolute world to me, my beautiful abuela (grandmother). The month she passed, I had been so busy. I had booked a few segments and was really working my butt off. I was too busy to call her. Too busy to visit. But, in my mind, I knew my grandmother would always be around. Sure, she was in her 80's, but she was a strong woman. Yes, she was battling asthma and now had to move around with oxygen tanks attached to her because it was that bad, but she'd always beaten the odds. That woman was as strong as an ox. (You have to be one strong woman to raise 17 kids.) So when I got the call a year ago tomorrow, at around 2:30am that she was back in the hospital, I knew she'd be fine. I knew that she'd come out of it, like she always did. Since I didn't have a sitter for the middle of the night, I figured I would stop by the hospital the next day and give her a big kiss and comb her hair. She always had a comb on hand no matter where she was, even in the hospital, she insisted on always looking her best. I told myself again, she'd be fine in no time and I promised that this time, I'd definitely start visiting her more, and doing her nails (she loved when I painted her nails purple). At around 6am in the morning, my mother called me, "It's bad, come say goodbye. " Can you believe I still wasn't that scared? That's how strong my grandmother was. She'd always pull through. But, unfortunately it didn't work out that way. I took a cab to the hospital. When I walked into the waiting room, I saw my cousins, aunts, siblings, many of them on the floor screaming and sobbing. It was then that I knew. My heart hit the floor.
All I remember was falling, and thinking to myself, Why the heck didn't I come see her more? Why the heck didn't I call her ? Why the heck didn't I tell her how much I loved her? Why didn't I ever tell her how much she meant to me??????
I still live with that regret much every day. I wish I could have told her how much she meant to me while she was still here. I would have told her, "thank you abuela for teaching me to be a kind person. For teaching me that being beautiful on the outside is important, but being beautiful on the inside is so much more important. Thank you for teaching me the importance of giving to others. But most of all grandma, thank you for showing me what unconditional love is."
If you are fortunate enough to have any of your grandparents or parents alive, make sure you constantly tell them how much they mean to you, how much you love them, and make time for them no matter what is going on in your life.
Believe me, living with this kind of regret isn't easy.